The SEC announced Friday that the conference generated revenues of $309.6 million that will be distributed to its member schools. That’s approximately $20.9 million per school according to the SEC’s official Twitter account.
This is a record for the “Power 5” conferences and in short, it’s a ton of money. So this got me thinking, what could all the SEC schools potentially do with their cut of this cash pie? Here are some possible scenarios:
-Alabama: Alabama will open up a tattoo parlor inside Bryant-Denny Stadium dedicated solely to Tide-themed tattoos. Want a “#ROLLTIDE” trampstamp? Done. Need “15 AND COUNTING” written across your chest? Easy. They can even permanently etch Nick Saban’s face right onto your thigh.
-Arkansas: Arkansas will have to use the money to feed Hogzilla, uhh, I mean Bret Bielema for another year.
-Auburn: Auburn will use their money to complete an elaborate monument dedicated to the Toomer’s Corner trees. At the following Iron Bowl, Harvey Updyke will overhear an Auburn fan make a joke about Nick Saban’s height and will subsequently go into a rage, drive to Auburn and burn the monument to the ground.
-Georgia: Mark Richt will lose control of the money and it will subsequently be dismissed from the program for violating team rules.
-Kentucky: Kentucky will use the money to pay their basketball players. Duh.
-Florida: Florida will fund a “Fan Appreciation Day” at a 2014 home game where the first 30,000 fans to attend the game receive a free pair of jorts and a cutoff t-shirt.
-LSU: Les Miles will pay a New Orleans gypsy to teach him voodoo so he can put a curse on Nick Saban and Alabama’s football team. He’ll then shamelessly tell the media he’s done so in a post-game press conference.
-Missouri: Missouri will buy billboards around every Big 12 school that say “MISSOURI: WE’RE IN THE SEC, BITCHEZ”
-Mississippi State: Mississippi State will build a 30 foot high cowbell in the middle of campus that has “GO TO HELL OLE MISS” written on the side. It will be rung every time State wins at anything.
-Ole Miss: Ole Miss will blow all of the money on booze and barbecue for a tailgate at the Grove.
-South Carolina: Steve Spurrier will use all the money on Coors Light, visors, and rounds of golf. But absolutely no shirts.
-Tennessee: Tennessee will have to use the money to continue paying severance to the 141 different head coaches they’ve fired in the last 5 years.
-Texas A&M: Texas A&M will continue to add expansions to Kyle Field until it has a capacity of 250,000 people. Just so the middle finger they’re thowing in Texas’ face is even larger.
-Vanderbilt: Vanderbilt will invest the money in established long term stocks, municipal bonds, and mutual funds with low risk profiles.
The Southeasterner 